It’s a long one, but worth it.
We are very excited, and maybe only slightly nervous that 2018 will be full of changes for us, with a baby on the way. After 13 years together and 8 years married, I think we are as ready as we possibly could be. We are old enough to realize what a life changing thing this will be, but I think that makes us all the more excited!
We’ve enjoyed it being just the 2 of us, (or 3, including Paisley.) We waited longer than most people we know to start a family, but we couldn’t be happier with that decision. We got a lot of questions and a lot of people thinking we were never going to or that we couldn’t have kids. We were outside the norm, but sometimes you have to not care what others are saying, or even whispering about your life decisions.
Because we waited, we got to have time together. We grew together and learned to love each other more with each passing day. We are best friends, and now we are bringing another little buddy into our lives. By being best friends first and putting God at the center of it, we were able to create a home that is stable and secure. This is something we both cherish and something we will instill into our children when it’s time for them to find a spouse.
Because we waited, we were able to have adventures together. I started my photography business, and we faced the hills and deep valleys that went along with that. We bought our first house, which was completely trashed and then renovated it into our home. We went skydiving. We took a helicopter to hike atop a glacier. We traveled all over the world and were able to take trips to Hawaii, Italy, France, and New Zealand. We made a lot of memories and have many stories to tell. We laughed, we cried (well, mainly I cried), we soared, we fell flat, we made mistakes, we grew, we faced a lot of rottenness that life threw at us and learned how to cling to each other, and to God with everything we had.
When we were ready to start a family, it didn’t happen exactly as we would have liked. We anticipated it happening right away, in the perfectly planned out idea we had in our heads. God has a way of doing things in his timing, not our own…
After one month of trying, I became pregnant. A very faint line appeared on the stick and to be honest we were surprised. Wow! Things were actually happening just as we planned. And then, a day later the line was gone. It all happened so quickly that it was hard to know how to feel. I had had a chemical pregnancy, we found out later. Before this, we had never heard of a chemical pregnancy, but it’s basically a very early miscarriage. When we realized what had happened we were sad, disappointed and a little scared.
Five more months went by and still nothing. We tried not to, but we started to worry. Friends and family who knew we were trying, started asking questions. We told a few people, but not many about the chemical pregnancy. I know many people struggle for much longer than we did when trying to conceive, but I started thinking that maybe this wasn’t in the cards for us. I was looking into adoption and foster care options. I started to wonder what was wrong with me, not just physically, but as a person. Why didn’t God want me to be a mother? I felt less of a woman, because I couldn’t do this thing that I’m “supposed” to be able to do. I felt I was letting everyone down. I know this is absolutely crazy and I would never think this about anyone else, but we tend to be harder on ourselves than anyone else. Of course, people who can’t conceive aren’t terrible people and they aren’t any less a man or a woman because they can’t have children. I know this, but I see now how your mind starts to go to these dark places. How Satan tries to send you to this place of hopelessness and despair. I only got a little taste of it, and I’m ashamed at myself for having gone to those places and not having had faith in God’s plan for us, whatever it might be.
One day in early August, while on a walk with Brant and Paisley, I was praying to myself. Asking God once again, to please let us have a child, to let this happen for use. Then suddenly, like nothing I have ever experienced, I heard a voice say to me, “I’ve already done it.” It took me aback! I’ve been a Christian most of my life and have always been very cautious when people say, “God told me this or that.” I have felt like there were things I should or shouldn’t do and I believe they are from God, but this was something totally different. I heard it load and clear. I didn’t tell Brant, because honestly I felt a little crazy. So I waited a few days until it was time to take another test. I must have taken 10 tests that month, and all negative! I felt betrayed. I felt angry. I was disappointed, again. I had even bought “mamasaurus” & “papasaurus” t-shirts to give Brant for his birthday to surprise him when telling him the news. In the closet they stayed.
Over the next month, I seriously had to get past this anger and betrayal I was feeling toward God. It felt like a bad joke. But I think God was trying to teach me many things. He got me to the place where I knew I could only trust in him alone. I continued to look up scripture and pray about it. I got to a place where I was able to release my anger, though I still was struggling I was trying to trust in him.
On Sept. 14th I was upstairs, practicing yoga and praying, then I got a text from Brant. It said, “Are you pregnant?” It was about 4 or 5 days before I was going to test. I said, “No, why?” He said he thought it was about the time to check. I went downstairs and took a test. It was very positive! I was shocked! I laughed and cried and thanked God. I told Brant that night by putting a note on Paisley that read, “Dear Pop-pop, Mom’s pregnant! Love Paisley.” I videoed it and you can see the video at the bottom of this post.
When we told our family, Brant’s papaw Dickerson, told us that a few weeks ago while praying for us, he felt like God told him to stop and that he didn’t need to pray anymore. He said well, they haven’t told me any news yet, so I’m going to keep on praying. Haha. I got choked up when he said this and I shared my story with him. How amazing God is! I truly believe this baby is a direct blessing from God, and I’m so excited to meet them!
Thank you for reading our story. I feel it’s important to share and talk about the good and the bad in life. So often, we sift through the parts of our lives, pick the good bits from the rubble, dust them off and set only those on display for the world to see. Today I wanted to show you the good amongst the bad.
photo credit for the above images goes to Jenny Haas Photography
Below is the note I clipped to Paisley to tell Brant he is going to be a daddio. It reads, “Dear Pop-pop, Mom’s pregnant! Love Paisley.”
Here is the video I took when telling Brant. Haha!
I think he or she will look like Brant :)